What am I expecting?

I don't know exactly what I am expecting. Am I expecting you to come home and decide that Ia the one for you? Yeah in my dreams. I know that we are over. What we had is the past. It is over. Dead. Gone. I can't look back and fucos on what was. It is pointless. You are not the same and I am now scarred by all of this. I woke up today with heart ache beyond everything. I knwo What heart ache feels like but when it is happening in the moment it is all I can think about. She is filling a void that her husband can't fill. So she found you. I feel sorry for you. I am so sorry. I love you. I will always love you. You were the first true love of my life. A place I would want no one else to have. I am honored to be your first love. I am proud that we lasted so long. I am so happy that I gave myself to you first. I loved being with you, you were all I wanted. Of course we look at other people, that is normal, but I only wanted to go to sleep and wake up with one person. I wish I had found someone else to fill your void like you found. But then again I am not the envious of you because I will find someone who is 1) not MARRIED! HAHAHA 2) Someone that I will find that is not using me as a rebound to fill a void that thier significant other is not filling and 3) I will find someone when I am good and ready, not someone that is taking the place of someone else right away. There is so many things I would do differently. But here I am anyways. I am dieing to hear from you, dieing to touch you, see, you feel you, taste y0ou, have you inside of me. I want you so badly baby. I love you Julio. I love you with everything in so soul. I love you. My heart is so sad, so broken and heavy. I have a hard time wanting to go on. I can't think about what you are doing or how you are feeling. It is too much for me to take. Tell me nothing about Canada, tell me nothing about anything. I don't want to hear it. Don't hurt me anymore. Please I am fragile and raw. I am hanging my a thread, all I have left, just enough to keep me going. This hurts more than death. This hurts ten times more than my father's death. I know I can get through this, but I am having a hard time. I love you Julio. You have killed me, but I forgive you, because I know the real you. I know the real you. You will always do no wrong in my eyes. And when you do, I know that it isn't something that is really you. I know you. You are kind, and loving, honest, and you see the world like no one I have ever met. I thought we were the same. I never thought you would do this. I thought that we would seperate and maybe you would find someone else in time. Not that you would lie to me, string me along, tell me it is not what I think. I was right. I knew. You knew I knew. But you played games with me anyways. Afraid of my reaction. Well you should be because you knew you were doing something wrong. I hate you for that. I hate how you handled everything. But I still love you.