I am at work right now. It is a strange strange day. I want to laugh and cry, scream and pull my hair out. I am going through so many emotions. Strange days like this throw my whole out of whack. It fucks with me. I hate being here alone. I hate being alone. I hate being alone. Casey was here but he didn't really talk much. I guess unless he wants to fuck you he has nothing to say. It is weird though usually when everyone is here he talk to me all day. Seriously it was awkward. We had nothing to say to one another. That never happens. So Jay sent me a text. He said "not that you care, I quit wow. Goodbye." UMMM OK? Weird. Weird. That is what put me in a weird spot. I am fighting the urge to text back and tell him how much I miss him. I really do. I was just listening to DM and the lyric "I'm going to take my time. I have all the time in the world to make you mine. It is written in the stars above. The God's decree, you'll be right here by my side. You can run but you cannot hide." I had already deleted his toon's names from my character list. Fuck this is so painful. Just when I thought I was going to be OK he fucking makes me think of him again. I do love him. It just wasn't meant to be. He does need to get married. This isn't right that we talk. There isn't anything that would come from it. Better now then on June 14th when I am here in Vegas in pain and he is getting fucking married. I keep picturing her walking down the aisle. Him waiting for her, smiling, it makes me want to vomit and cry. I could be making a mistake but what am I supposed to do? I am such a retard. Seriously what the fuck was I supposed to do. I tried..I could have tried harder. I couldn't take the pressure. I felt like I had to know him now, and change his heart now. How was I supposed to do that in a couple of months talking on the phone a couple times a week...texting. I tried. I wasn't successful. Holy shit this sucks. He made my heart stop I couldn't believe he actually texted me. Why would he do that? Does he was me to respond? What am I to say? "OK nice to know, thanks for telling me." What I really want to say is this "I love you more than any human should love anyone. I think about you more than any human should think about anyone. I am sorry that things didn't work out. My low self-esteem had a lot to do with it. I didn't want you to get to close and be disappointed with who I really was. Messy, boring, sad, fat, ugly." So that is pretty much it. Ok back to my sad reality. I am leaving here in five mins. I need to just go away. Why is this so difficult. It is just as easy to be happy as it is to be miserable. I will try to remember that today.

Um what can I say

This writing thing is so foreign to me. I forgot how to. I reread some of my old posts and deleted a couple. I thought about deleting the rest but not sure if I should. I didn't really connect with what I was reading. It surprised me because it seems like they were written by someone else at the time. To be honest they were written by someone else. I am not the same person. I still adore Julio more than life itself. I don't feel the pain anymore thank god. I feel better. I really know myself now. I am frustrated with myself most of the time. I want to be better than I am. I want to be smarter, more creative. I am so different now it seems. I care less now more than ever about what people think about me. I have learned that quickly. People all suck . They are always going to suck. I like watching them from a distance. I usually am touched by them and their sense of humor and kindness. If I get to close that is when I see all of their flaws. I see the ugly on the inside. Usually, depends on the person and the situation I ca find it endearing. I was right not to let Jay too in. He was nothing like I thought. I could see through the facade right away. I played along though. I played along out of being bored. He was great with words and a gifted writer. HE entertained me by that. I know that he is going to have a pretty suck life. Not that I want him too but I knew that nothing will ever make him happy. Nothing or no one. Very Very sad. He could be so beautiful. HE holds himself and everyone he "cares" about to such high standards. It will be impossible to be real around him. He is too judgemental. I know who I would really like to get to know on another level. I will let time control that one though. I can't force it. It is so strange. I know that this person is meant for me and I think that he has felt it too. It is like something we an never talk about or at least I can't. If it never happens I wont be surprised but it is so strange. It is like I know. Like if someone asked me to put my life on it I would because I know I know I know I am right. Let's put that aside right now. Now I am at home bored. I feel quiet. Contradictory to what my stupid horoscope says I should be today. This is not really making me feel better. I want to socialize. I feel lonely. I want to be the center of the room right now. I need to get over this need. I need to just do my thing and be happy with whatever attention I get. Looking for attention is so pathetic anyways. Just be myself I guess. Boring......I am not sure. I am going to go do something else now until I feel better or at least kind of. Oh god....I want love. I need to love myself.

What can I say.....

I slept okay last night. I slept next to my mom. I woke up a couple times in the morning dieing to feel you beside me. I was dieing to feel your arms around me. I was tempted to just drive home and ask you to hold me. But then I realized that you had your arms around someone else the last few days. I have no clue what you did up there but I know that it was affectionate. I wish that you would go running up to me, tell me how much you love me, tell me that it wasn't anything with her, that you felt nothing. It may be true, it may not. i have noooooo clue. I don't want to know. FUCK THS SUCKS!!!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO OUT LIKE THIS!!!!!. I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU!. Please don't call me childish, you don't even have a clue how much it is going to hurt just to look at you. You are a different person now. Maybe now you are a "grown up" Maybe now that you know what it is like to be with someone else, the nostalgia of being with me is over. Our childhood is officially dead. we are dead. It was a moment in time. I would do anything to get it back. You are a stranger to me now. All these years and look where we are, bitter fucking sweet. Stupid fucking lies. Idealistic fools. Real life, heart ache, and true dissappointment were just waiting for us around the corner. Too good to be true. We were not the exception. Was it all a dream? I am mouring the death of us. Mouring, dieing, beyond belief sad. We cannot be in each others lives. I can't bear to see you happy right now. Move forward, eyes forward, don't look back, roll with change, or get left behind. Love again, don't be jaded. Love is fun, good, and everything. Please let me come out ok, not weak. I want to be ok. I want to grow tremedously from this.

A different kind of Saturday Night

So you are back in town. You called me, told me you are home. You are home early because her husband came back. How embarrasing fo you. How crappy my life has turned out. Yes, it is good that I found out while I am still young. As much as I am not in pain right now, it is only because I am not looking at you. I can't look at you. You were with someone else. And even though I don't know this for a fact, I can figure it out. I don't want to know anything you have been through in the past five days. Just because her husband came back early, if you really had a hotel room wouldn't you at least spend the next 3 days exploring the sites. come on! you spent almost 500 dollars to be there. Enjoy yourself right? Yeah just as I thought. You didn't have a hotel room. You were in the house with her, and her kids. Fuckin APPALLING!!!. Who are you Julio? Who the fuck are you? If this was someone else you would be totally disgusted. I have no need to see you. I can't. I have already gone through enough pain. I can't put through myself anymore. Thanks for the drama though in my life. Thanks for a nice painful story I can add to my list. Yours tops them all. Walk an inch in my shoes and you would see, then you would feel really crappy for being another painful memory. Is that all you want to be for me a memory? Old Julio is not coming back. Thank God for that. So you grew balls and are doing what makes you "happy". I have nothing to say to you. I wish we could be friends. I wish we could be in each others lives, it is way too too painful. too painful. I love you, but right now I cannot look at you. I wont recognize you. You are not the boy that said he wouldn't hurt me. I want to go home to you. Believe me nothing would make me happier right now, but to go home and just be with you. I love you. I really do. But I need to stop hurting myself. I can't endure anymore heart ache anymore. I have enough right now. I can't intentionally add anymore. Stop calling, you never called me while you were away. damn Julio, I trusted you. I will not be jaded by this though. I will love again, just as strong as I loved you. I wont become bitter and stop myself from finding the right one. I love you, you have shown and taught me so much. But you are the biggest loss of my life to date. Hope no more. Life is weird that way. I never thought this would be me. Crazy isn't it? Good night Julio, I love you baby. Please always know this. But I need to protect myself from anymore pain.
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So know I know

I wish I didn't ask. I wish I didn't know. You don't a shit about me. You hate me. You are ugly. You fucking suck. He is coming home early. The dream bubble has been popped. Disgusting. Get away from me. you make me sick. I hate you fucking bastard. fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. go to fucking hell. i hate you you hate me this is over. you use me to come home your money. you are so delisional. you are so gross. stay away. stay away from me . you are hurting me so much. i hae you. stranger liar. S now it is all going not as planned. Oh well. don't come here. Go away. I hate you. I can't look at you. I can't look at you. Please stay away. Get away from me. I am a mess. I don't want you to see me like this. I hope you get yours in return. I hope you get yours in return. Get away from me. I hate you. Please don' talk to me. I was so happy. I was so happy. I can't take this emotional roller coaster. Get me off of here. This is too much to take. I don't even know you. Get away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Homecoming?

I don't know why you are coming home early. I just know that I couldn't be happier. I know that it probably isn't because you had a revelation "Ah, I love Natalie! I must go home to her!" Oh God how I wish that would be true. I didn't dare ask you why the sudden decision to come home. Honestly, I don't want to know the answer. I might not like it. I can only speculate. Was it because her husband came home early? Are you just home sick? Who are you? Who are you? Stranger tell me. Tell me what it is that you do and why you do it. I want to get to know you all over again. I am older now, wiser, kinder, so much better than who I was a few years ago. I will give credit where credit is do. And a lot of credit is do to you. I would not be who I am today if it were not for you. I may be a glimmer of who I am today. But I know how to love, with all my heart, I know what love it because of you. I hope you can say the same about me. let me relinquish all i feel about you onto you. but please don't tell me how you feel about me. I can't take your words. I have lost a lot of belief in your words. You told me I would be second best. I am cautious now. I am loving you, but I have one eye on you the whole time and one eye on the gun (figuratively). That isn't fair to you. Is it? I want to love with my whole heart. I am bruised. The wounds are still open and fresh. Please don't rub salt in them. I need them to close. I need to breath. Oh Julio, no one is as beautful as you. You are so wonderful. So much of you I wish I could be. I admire you, I look up to you. I am not on your level. I am too sensitive to be there. I will never be like you. There is too much I can't be. This is who I am . I am sensitive, idealistic, and aware of how I interact with others. Every human on the earth, just like you, desearves to be looked into the eyes. When they have something to say they desearve to be heard. I care how I treat others. I see them as fragile, once good, once pure, but time has scarred them. They re not the innocent, clean babies they once were. But that is who we really are. We are not natuarlly vindictive. We want to love, be loved, laugh and cry. The pain makes us who we are. Without the pain we wouldn't be human. Being human is a cruse. Life is long and full of pain. But I know you are not bad. You are not evil. You are who you are. I am trying to find my way too. I love you. Hearing your voice makes me so happy, the pain melts away within moments. How bad is that for me? It may be false. I am not the one you want. I know I am not the one you want. I need to keep reminding myself of that. It is what keeps me grounded. It keeps me level. The pain is the only thing that doesn't lie to me. The pain is what keeps my eyes open. Your voice gave me light, but it is just dull light. I feel like nothing, worthless, god help me. be strong, be someone you are not for a few moments. Don't be a foolish child. I am a little girl. Growing hurts. It is slow and it hurts. pleasae give me room. I need room. I want it all. I want you and I want to be the person you want me to be. With your love I feel validated. I feel strong, as if I am worth something. like I exsit. It is so sad I can't do this on my own. I hate myself. I am disgusted with myself. I know the pain, the pain is real. You are so bad for me. You are an addiction. I am addicted. As long as you come back, I am under a love induced coma. Nothing else is real. No one else matters as long as you are next to me. I could stare at you all day. Everyone could be screaming my name, but with you around their calles are faint and far away. So easy to block out. Your words and arms shut them all out. You have a hold on me.

What am I expecting?

I don't know exactly what I am expecting. Am I expecting you to come home and decide that Ia the one for you? Yeah in my dreams. I know that we are over. What we had is the past. It is over. Dead. Gone. I can't look back and fucos on what was. It is pointless. You are not the same and I am now scarred by all of this. I woke up today with heart ache beyond everything. I knwo What heart ache feels like but when it is happening in the moment it is all I can think about. She is filling a void that her husband can't fill. So she found you. I feel sorry for you. I am so sorry. I love you. I will always love you. You were the first true love of my life. A place I would want no one else to have. I am honored to be your first love. I am proud that we lasted so long. I am so happy that I gave myself to you first. I loved being with you, you were all I wanted. Of course we look at other people, that is normal, but I only wanted to go to sleep and wake up with one person. I wish I had found someone else to fill your void like you found. But then again I am not the envious of you because I will find someone who is 1) not MARRIED! HAHAHA 2) Someone that I will find that is not using me as a rebound to fill a void that thier significant other is not filling and 3) I will find someone when I am good and ready, not someone that is taking the place of someone else right away. There is so many things I would do differently. But here I am anyways. I am dieing to hear from you, dieing to touch you, see, you feel you, taste y0ou, have you inside of me. I want you so badly baby. I love you Julio. I love you with everything in so soul. I love you. My heart is so sad, so broken and heavy. I have a hard time wanting to go on. I can't think about what you are doing or how you are feeling. It is too much for me to take. Tell me nothing about Canada, tell me nothing about anything. I don't want to hear it. Don't hurt me anymore. Please I am fragile and raw. I am hanging my a thread, all I have left, just enough to keep me going. This hurts more than death. This hurts ten times more than my father's death. I know I can get through this, but I am having a hard time. I love you Julio. You have killed me, but I forgive you, because I know the real you. I know the real you. You will always do no wrong in my eyes. And when you do, I know that it isn't something that is really you. I know you. You are kind, and loving, honest, and you see the world like no one I have ever met. I thought we were the same. I never thought you would do this. I thought that we would seperate and maybe you would find someone else in time. Not that you would lie to me, string me along, tell me it is not what I think. I was right. I knew. You knew I knew. But you played games with me anyways. Afraid of my reaction. Well you should be because you knew you were doing something wrong. I hate you for that. I hate how you handled everything. But I still love you.