Um what can I say

This writing thing is so foreign to me. I forgot how to. I reread some of my old posts and deleted a couple. I thought about deleting the rest but not sure if I should. I didn't really connect with what I was reading. It surprised me because it seems like they were written by someone else at the time. To be honest they were written by someone else. I am not the same person. I still adore Julio more than life itself. I don't feel the pain anymore thank god. I feel better. I really know myself now. I am frustrated with myself most of the time. I want to be better than I am. I want to be smarter, more creative. I am so different now it seems. I care less now more than ever about what people think about me. I have learned that quickly. People all suck . They are always going to suck. I like watching them from a distance. I usually am touched by them and their sense of humor and kindness. If I get to close that is when I see all of their flaws. I see the ugly on the inside. Usually, depends on the person and the situation I ca find it endearing. I was right not to let Jay too in. He was nothing like I thought. I could see through the facade right away. I played along though. I played along out of being bored. He was great with words and a gifted writer. HE entertained me by that. I know that he is going to have a pretty suck life. Not that I want him too but I knew that nothing will ever make him happy. Nothing or no one. Very Very sad. He could be so beautiful. HE holds himself and everyone he "cares" about to such high standards. It will be impossible to be real around him. He is too judgemental. I know who I would really like to get to know on another level. I will let time control that one though. I can't force it. It is so strange. I know that this person is meant for me and I think that he has felt it too. It is like something we an never talk about or at least I can't. If it never happens I wont be surprised but it is so strange. It is like I know. Like if someone asked me to put my life on it I would because I know I know I know I am right. Let's put that aside right now. Now I am at home bored. I feel quiet. Contradictory to what my stupid horoscope says I should be today. This is not really making me feel better. I want to socialize. I feel lonely. I want to be the center of the room right now. I need to get over this need. I need to just do my thing and be happy with whatever attention I get. Looking for attention is so pathetic anyways. Just be myself I guess. Boring......I am not sure. I am going to go do something else now until I feel better or at least kind of. Oh god....I want love. I need to love myself.