I am at work right now. It is a strange strange day. I want to laugh and cry, scream and pull my hair out. I am going through so many emotions. Strange days like this throw my whole out of whack. It fucks with me. I hate being here alone. I hate being alone. I hate being alone. Casey was here but he didn't really talk much. I guess unless he wants to fuck you he has nothing to say. It is weird though usually when everyone is here he talk to me all day. Seriously it was awkward. We had nothing to say to one another. That never happens. So Jay sent me a text. He said "not that you care, I quit wow. Goodbye." UMMM OK? Weird. Weird. That is what put me in a weird spot. I am fighting the urge to text back and tell him how much I miss him. I really do. I was just listening to DM and the lyric "I'm going to take my time. I have all the time in the world to make you mine. It is written in the stars above. The God's decree, you'll be right here by my side. You can run but you cannot hide." I had already deleted his toon's names from my character list. Fuck this is so painful. Just when I thought I was going to be OK he fucking makes me think of him again. I do love him. It just wasn't meant to be. He does need to get married. This isn't right that we talk. There isn't anything that would come from it. Better now then on June 14th when I am here in Vegas in pain and he is getting fucking married. I keep picturing her walking down the aisle. Him waiting for her, smiling, it makes me want to vomit and cry. I could be making a mistake but what am I supposed to do? I am such a retard. Seriously what the fuck was I supposed to do. I tried..I could have tried harder. I couldn't take the pressure. I felt like I had to know him now, and change his heart now. How was I supposed to do that in a couple of months talking on the phone a couple times a week...texting. I tried. I wasn't successful. Holy shit this sucks. He made my heart stop I couldn't believe he actually texted me. Why would he do that? Does he was me to respond? What am I to say? "OK nice to know, thanks for telling me." What I really want to say is this "I love you more than any human should love anyone. I think about you more than any human should think about anyone. I am sorry that things didn't work out. My low self-esteem had a lot to do with it. I didn't want you to get to close and be disappointed with who I really was. Messy, boring, sad, fat, ugly." So that is pretty much it. Ok back to my sad reality. I am leaving here in five mins. I need to just go away. Why is this so difficult. It is just as easy to be happy as it is to be miserable. I will try to remember that today.