What can I say.....

I slept okay last night. I slept next to my mom. I woke up a couple times in the morning dieing to feel you beside me. I was dieing to feel your arms around me. I was tempted to just drive home and ask you to hold me. But then I realized that you had your arms around someone else the last few days. I have no clue what you did up there but I know that it was affectionate. I wish that you would go running up to me, tell me how much you love me, tell me that it wasn't anything with her, that you felt nothing. It may be true, it may not. i have noooooo clue. I don't want to know. FUCK THS SUCKS!!!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO OUT LIKE THIS!!!!!. I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU!. Please don't call me childish, you don't even have a clue how much it is going to hurt just to look at you. You are a different person now. Maybe now you are a "grown up" Maybe now that you know what it is like to be with someone else, the nostalgia of being with me is over. Our childhood is officially dead. we are dead. It was a moment in time. I would do anything to get it back. You are a stranger to me now. All these years and look where we are, bitter fucking sweet. Stupid fucking lies. Idealistic fools. Real life, heart ache, and true dissappointment were just waiting for us around the corner. Too good to be true. We were not the exception. Was it all a dream? I am mouring the death of us. Mouring, dieing, beyond belief sad. We cannot be in each others lives. I can't bear to see you happy right now. Move forward, eyes forward, don't look back, roll with change, or get left behind. Love again, don't be jaded. Love is fun, good, and everything. Please let me come out ok, not weak. I want to be ok. I want to grow tremedously from this.

A different kind of Saturday Night

So you are back in town. You called me, told me you are home. You are home early because her husband came back. How embarrasing fo you. How crappy my life has turned out. Yes, it is good that I found out while I am still young. As much as I am not in pain right now, it is only because I am not looking at you. I can't look at you. You were with someone else. And even though I don't know this for a fact, I can figure it out. I don't want to know anything you have been through in the past five days. Just because her husband came back early, if you really had a hotel room wouldn't you at least spend the next 3 days exploring the sites. come on! you spent almost 500 dollars to be there. Enjoy yourself right? Yeah just as I thought. You didn't have a hotel room. You were in the house with her, and her kids. Fuckin APPALLING!!!. Who are you Julio? Who the fuck are you? If this was someone else you would be totally disgusted. I have no need to see you. I can't. I have already gone through enough pain. I can't put through myself anymore. Thanks for the drama though in my life. Thanks for a nice painful story I can add to my list. Yours tops them all. Walk an inch in my shoes and you would see, then you would feel really crappy for being another painful memory. Is that all you want to be for me a memory? Old Julio is not coming back. Thank God for that. So you grew balls and are doing what makes you "happy". I have nothing to say to you. I wish we could be friends. I wish we could be in each others lives, it is way too too painful. too painful. I love you, but right now I cannot look at you. I wont recognize you. You are not the boy that said he wouldn't hurt me. I want to go home to you. Believe me nothing would make me happier right now, but to go home and just be with you. I love you. I really do. But I need to stop hurting myself. I can't endure anymore heart ache anymore. I have enough right now. I can't intentionally add anymore. Stop calling, you never called me while you were away. damn Julio, I trusted you. I will not be jaded by this though. I will love again, just as strong as I loved you. I wont become bitter and stop myself from finding the right one. I love you, you have shown and taught me so much. But you are the biggest loss of my life to date. Hope no more. Life is weird that way. I never thought this would be me. Crazy isn't it? Good night Julio, I love you baby. Please always know this. But I need to protect myself from anymore pain.
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So know I know

I wish I didn't ask. I wish I didn't know. You don't a shit about me. You hate me. You are ugly. You fucking suck. He is coming home early. The dream bubble has been popped. Disgusting. Get away from me. you make me sick. I hate you fucking bastard. fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. go to fucking hell. i hate you you hate me this is over. you use me to come home your money. you are so delisional. you are so gross. stay away. stay away from me . you are hurting me so much. i hae you. stranger liar. S now it is all going not as planned. Oh well. don't come here. Go away. I hate you. I can't look at you. I can't look at you. Please stay away. Get away from me. I am a mess. I don't want you to see me like this. I hope you get yours in return. I hope you get yours in return. Get away from me. I hate you. Please don' talk to me. I was so happy. I was so happy. I can't take this emotional roller coaster. Get me off of here. This is too much to take. I don't even know you. Get away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Homecoming?

I don't know why you are coming home early. I just know that I couldn't be happier. I know that it probably isn't because you had a revelation "Ah, I love Natalie! I must go home to her!" Oh God how I wish that would be true. I didn't dare ask you why the sudden decision to come home. Honestly, I don't want to know the answer. I might not like it. I can only speculate. Was it because her husband came home early? Are you just home sick? Who are you? Who are you? Stranger tell me. Tell me what it is that you do and why you do it. I want to get to know you all over again. I am older now, wiser, kinder, so much better than who I was a few years ago. I will give credit where credit is do. And a lot of credit is do to you. I would not be who I am today if it were not for you. I may be a glimmer of who I am today. But I know how to love, with all my heart, I know what love it because of you. I hope you can say the same about me. let me relinquish all i feel about you onto you. but please don't tell me how you feel about me. I can't take your words. I have lost a lot of belief in your words. You told me I would be second best. I am cautious now. I am loving you, but I have one eye on you the whole time and one eye on the gun (figuratively). That isn't fair to you. Is it? I want to love with my whole heart. I am bruised. The wounds are still open and fresh. Please don't rub salt in them. I need them to close. I need to breath. Oh Julio, no one is as beautful as you. You are so wonderful. So much of you I wish I could be. I admire you, I look up to you. I am not on your level. I am too sensitive to be there. I will never be like you. There is too much I can't be. This is who I am . I am sensitive, idealistic, and aware of how I interact with others. Every human on the earth, just like you, desearves to be looked into the eyes. When they have something to say they desearve to be heard. I care how I treat others. I see them as fragile, once good, once pure, but time has scarred them. They re not the innocent, clean babies they once were. But that is who we really are. We are not natuarlly vindictive. We want to love, be loved, laugh and cry. The pain makes us who we are. Without the pain we wouldn't be human. Being human is a cruse. Life is long and full of pain. But I know you are not bad. You are not evil. You are who you are. I am trying to find my way too. I love you. Hearing your voice makes me so happy, the pain melts away within moments. How bad is that for me? It may be false. I am not the one you want. I know I am not the one you want. I need to keep reminding myself of that. It is what keeps me grounded. It keeps me level. The pain is the only thing that doesn't lie to me. The pain is what keeps my eyes open. Your voice gave me light, but it is just dull light. I feel like nothing, worthless, god help me. be strong, be someone you are not for a few moments. Don't be a foolish child. I am a little girl. Growing hurts. It is slow and it hurts. pleasae give me room. I need room. I want it all. I want you and I want to be the person you want me to be. With your love I feel validated. I feel strong, as if I am worth something. like I exsit. It is so sad I can't do this on my own. I hate myself. I am disgusted with myself. I know the pain, the pain is real. You are so bad for me. You are an addiction. I am addicted. As long as you come back, I am under a love induced coma. Nothing else is real. No one else matters as long as you are next to me. I could stare at you all day. Everyone could be screaming my name, but with you around their calles are faint and far away. So easy to block out. Your words and arms shut them all out. You have a hold on me.

What am I expecting?

I don't know exactly what I am expecting. Am I expecting you to come home and decide that Ia the one for you? Yeah in my dreams. I know that we are over. What we had is the past. It is over. Dead. Gone. I can't look back and fucos on what was. It is pointless. You are not the same and I am now scarred by all of this. I woke up today with heart ache beyond everything. I knwo What heart ache feels like but when it is happening in the moment it is all I can think about. She is filling a void that her husband can't fill. So she found you. I feel sorry for you. I am so sorry. I love you. I will always love you. You were the first true love of my life. A place I would want no one else to have. I am honored to be your first love. I am proud that we lasted so long. I am so happy that I gave myself to you first. I loved being with you, you were all I wanted. Of course we look at other people, that is normal, but I only wanted to go to sleep and wake up with one person. I wish I had found someone else to fill your void like you found. But then again I am not the envious of you because I will find someone who is 1) not MARRIED! HAHAHA 2) Someone that I will find that is not using me as a rebound to fill a void that thier significant other is not filling and 3) I will find someone when I am good and ready, not someone that is taking the place of someone else right away. There is so many things I would do differently. But here I am anyways. I am dieing to hear from you, dieing to touch you, see, you feel you, taste y0ou, have you inside of me. I want you so badly baby. I love you Julio. I love you with everything in so soul. I love you. My heart is so sad, so broken and heavy. I have a hard time wanting to go on. I can't think about what you are doing or how you are feeling. It is too much for me to take. Tell me nothing about Canada, tell me nothing about anything. I don't want to hear it. Don't hurt me anymore. Please I am fragile and raw. I am hanging my a thread, all I have left, just enough to keep me going. This hurts more than death. This hurts ten times more than my father's death. I know I can get through this, but I am having a hard time. I love you Julio. You have killed me, but I forgive you, because I know the real you. I know the real you. You will always do no wrong in my eyes. And when you do, I know that it isn't something that is really you. I know you. You are kind, and loving, honest, and you see the world like no one I have ever met. I thought we were the same. I never thought you would do this. I thought that we would seperate and maybe you would find someone else in time. Not that you would lie to me, string me along, tell me it is not what I think. I was right. I knew. You knew I knew. But you played games with me anyways. Afraid of my reaction. Well you should be because you knew you were doing something wrong. I hate you for that. I hate how you handled everything. But I still love you.

I am sitting at home all alone. You are out with someone else having a great time. Is it better than what you expected. You texted me last night and told me you forgot your phone, can't talk, call me in the morning.....what the fuck is that? What a bunch of shit! I can't believe this is happening to me. I can't believe you are doing this. What happened? What happened? I am in shock! The love, respect, is gone! Why?! WHY?! I love you. Please make everything all better. I know when you walk through that door you had sex. Maybe many times. I want to throw up. I am sick. I don't know what to do. This house is too quiet. It is waiting for you to come back. But it is waiting for you to come back as if nothing happened. As is nothing changed. I can't stop change. I have to roll with change or get left beind. I don't want to get left behind. I need to go with the changes. The changes are that you are not the same. You do not love me anymore. I need to learn to be by myself and enjoy being bymyself. You are like a drug I need to get over. I need rehab. SO stupid. They say that this is for the better I don't know about that. Make it better now. I want this nightmare to end now. I want my old life back. It is not coming back. It is not coming back. Almost everyhting has been shattered. Almost everything. I miss your love. I miss you. I miss everything. I want to be your everything. You used to call me ALL the time. NOW you are giving someone else your attention. They don't desearve it. She doesn't even have enough respect for your "relationship" to have her divorce. Not even enough respect to wait until her husband is not going out of town to sneek you in. How can you not have enough respect for yourself to see that? Please, you are better than that. You know that. I would never do that. I am a good girlfriend. I have made huge mistakes, but I am loyal and honest and genuine, funny, loving, easy going, tender, commpassionate, considerate, dotting. Come on! You are the only one I want to share myself with. When will this be over?! Please come back, let's forget everything. Let's move away. I love you. Let's just be. You and me, always. I don't want anything to hurt you. PLease I love you. This is beyond painful. My heart wont stop beating so fast, so hard. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. The only way I can get the pain to stop is to pretend you don't even exist. But that only lasts a while. How can I get you off my mind and still heal. Or how can you still be on my mind and I can still heal? PLease let me rest now. I have no energy. I just want to be happy, I need to learn to do that all by myself. Time makes is harder. PLease please please please please. Go away pain, go away, you hurt too much. I can't even cry. I feel like someone is putting pressure on my chest. Please please please help me.


Just let him go, be there, let him go, breath, it is all out of your hands. All you can do is take it one step at a time and breath. Just fucking breath. Take it slow. I can do this slowly, queitly, carefully, I need t be good to myself. Please let me just breath and feel better a little bit at a time.

Where the fuck are you?

I called you hours ago. I know that you got my text messeges. You want to be my friend? You told me that you wouldbe there to answer the min I called. Come on Julio! what thf uck? anseer your god damn phone asshole. I am going crazy here. You want to come back and call this your home. Then give a little answer your fucking phone. I am so fucking pissed right now. I want to burn all of your shit. I want to destroy everything. You are fucking with me now. i can't believe I am sitting here and your are off showing love to someone else. I hsodfnfionclkrnfwlkjdsnI can't stand this shit. i am about the vlow up, You want o come walking back into this house. Wont even answer the phone when i am asking you to. What the fuck. Treat me like I am nobody. Like I don't have everthing Like I can't move. I fucking hate you you peice of shit. I wish the worst on you and everyhting comeing your way. you piece of fucking shit. i wam goingt o brun everyhitng destyorum it all stay up there don't fucking look at me again you who the cufk are you who the fuck are you?!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Shouldering The Pain

I can't shoulder this pain. I can talk about it till it makes me blue. The reality is that talking about it really helps. But I can't expect anyone else to know what this feels like right now. And the person that I want to know is him. But then again I want him to see me so strong.

I am going crazy

going crazy.

Why can't you just call me and say hello. I know that I will see you on Tuesday. When I look at you for the first time after your trip will your eyes look different? Who will you be? Will you even know me? Will I even know you? Have you found something so much more better than me? Is that why you are not calling? Is out out sight really out of mind? Then why are you still in mine? It is so hot in here. The sun is coming in, I need darkness. I need solace. How I am supposed to know how to go on? Where do I start? I am waiting for you to walk through the door. Tell me about your day. What do you want for dinner? Look at how cute the dogs are, and the cats. They miss you. They want you...I want you. Come in through the door. Hug me and kiss me hello. Make it all ok. I want it all to be ok. This is all too real. Today is your day my love. What would you like to do? Is there any movies you want ot go see. Would you like to go sleep next to me. Come on...let's be happy. Let's be real. Let's smile and cry and laugh. Let's share this day. This day is ours. Come on....this is our life. My life, my love. Are you ever going to come again. Has she changed you. Will the love songs have more meaning now that you have met her? Where have you gone? I am here. You left me holding on to what I have left. You left me! Why?! do you know how much this hurts. I can't understand. Someone else is so lucky. Does she even know. How did she luck out? Is this her gift? Takeing you away! Took someone elses gift. Save me from this pain someone. I am going crazy. Now all I have is to stare. I stare at the TV. I stare at the walls. I stare at this screen. Take me away. Swing me into the sky. Fuck I HATE THIS!

So here I am

What can I say.....I have nothing to say.

All I know is pain.

I have no clue what is going to happen.

This is not sopposed to happen.

I am so sensitive.

I need fresh air.

I can hardly breath.

He was my beauty...He was my everything.

Laugh until I cry....Cry Until I laugh.

I must breath until my dieing breath.

How long will that take.

I just want my beauty back. I want him back.
Hold me, love me, breath next to me. Let's dream, wake up and stare at each other like we always do. Tell me your dreams. I want to be there with you. I can't be in your dreams but as long as I lay next to you I am almost there. Holding your hand as you sleep, you look so peaceful.

Right now I must try to get better. I don't know what I will do 5 mins from now....I just now I need to feel better. I am running out of breath, I am about to burst. Please hold me. Love me. I am so weak. Why...why was my love not enough? I tried my best. Mistakes made, words regretted....but always you I loved.

I will go lay against the wall now. The wall will hold me. The covers will hug me. The pain is radiating out of me. I am begging you.....please come back. I beg you. Earse the past. I will never hurt you. I can't hurt you. To see pain on your face breaks me to the very core. I can't stand to see you cry. I want to take you pain. Give it to me....I will just add it to me. If your pain goes away I will carry it for you. That way you can see how much I love you. I loveyou mure than anything. I want to die next to do. I want to live next to you. Hand in hand. I just want to know you will always be there. I knew I would love you forever until you were a grumpy old man yelling at kids to get off your lawn.