I am at work right now. It is a strange strange day. I want to laugh and cry, scream and pull my hair out. I am going through so many emotions. Strange days like this throw my whole out of whack. It fucks with me. I hate being here alone. I hate being alone. I hate being alone. Casey was here but he didn't really talk much. I guess unless he wants to fuck you he has nothing to say. It is weird though usually when everyone is here he talk to me all day. Seriously it was awkward. We had nothing to say to one another. That never happens. So Jay sent me a text. He said "not that you care, I quit wow. Goodbye." UMMM OK? Weird. Weird. That is what put me in a weird spot. I am fighting the urge to text back and tell him how much I miss him. I really do. I was just listening to DM and the lyric "I'm going to take my time. I have all the time in the world to make you mine. It is written in the stars above. The God's decree, you'll be right here by my side. You can run but you cannot hide." I had already deleted his toon's names from my character list. Fuck this is so painful. Just when I thought I was going to be OK he fucking makes me think of him again. I do love him. It just wasn't meant to be. He does need to get married. This isn't right that we talk. There isn't anything that would come from it. Better now then on June 14th when I am here in Vegas in pain and he is getting fucking married. I keep picturing her walking down the aisle. Him waiting for her, smiling, it makes me want to vomit and cry. I could be making a mistake but what am I supposed to do? I am such a retard. Seriously what the fuck was I supposed to do. I tried..I could have tried harder. I couldn't take the pressure. I felt like I had to know him now, and change his heart now. How was I supposed to do that in a couple of months talking on the phone a couple times a week...texting. I tried. I wasn't successful. Holy shit this sucks. He made my heart stop I couldn't believe he actually texted me. Why would he do that? Does he was me to respond? What am I to say? "OK nice to know, thanks for telling me." What I really want to say is this "I love you more than any human should love anyone. I think about you more than any human should think about anyone. I am sorry that things didn't work out. My low self-esteem had a lot to do with it. I didn't want you to get to close and be disappointed with who I really was. Messy, boring, sad, fat, ugly." So that is pretty much it. Ok back to my sad reality. I am leaving here in five mins. I need to just go away. Why is this so difficult. It is just as easy to be happy as it is to be miserable. I will try to remember that today.

Um what can I say

This writing thing is so foreign to me. I forgot how to. I reread some of my old posts and deleted a couple. I thought about deleting the rest but not sure if I should. I didn't really connect with what I was reading. It surprised me because it seems like they were written by someone else at the time. To be honest they were written by someone else. I am not the same person. I still adore Julio more than life itself. I don't feel the pain anymore thank god. I feel better. I really know myself now. I am frustrated with myself most of the time. I want to be better than I am. I want to be smarter, more creative. I am so different now it seems. I care less now more than ever about what people think about me. I have learned that quickly. People all suck . They are always going to suck. I like watching them from a distance. I usually am touched by them and their sense of humor and kindness. If I get to close that is when I see all of their flaws. I see the ugly on the inside. Usually, depends on the person and the situation I ca find it endearing. I was right not to let Jay too in. He was nothing like I thought. I could see through the facade right away. I played along though. I played along out of being bored. He was great with words and a gifted writer. HE entertained me by that. I know that he is going to have a pretty suck life. Not that I want him too but I knew that nothing will ever make him happy. Nothing or no one. Very Very sad. He could be so beautiful. HE holds himself and everyone he "cares" about to such high standards. It will be impossible to be real around him. He is too judgemental. I know who I would really like to get to know on another level. I will let time control that one though. I can't force it. It is so strange. I know that this person is meant for me and I think that he has felt it too. It is like something we an never talk about or at least I can't. If it never happens I wont be surprised but it is so strange. It is like I know. Like if someone asked me to put my life on it I would because I know I know I know I am right. Let's put that aside right now. Now I am at home bored. I feel quiet. Contradictory to what my stupid horoscope says I should be today. This is not really making me feel better. I want to socialize. I feel lonely. I want to be the center of the room right now. I need to get over this need. I need to just do my thing and be happy with whatever attention I get. Looking for attention is so pathetic anyways. Just be myself I guess. Boring......I am not sure. I am going to go do something else now until I feel better or at least kind of. Oh god....I want love. I need to love myself.